Tag Archives: Co-parenting

4 Ways to Support Your Child’s Adjustment to Co-Parenting

The initial step to becoming a competent co-parent is to put your child’s needs ahead of your own. Research shows that children who had close to equal time with both parents grew up to have higher self-esteem and fewer trust issues. Even if your parenting time agreement specifies a 70/30 time split between homes, for example, consider balancing it out for the long-term psychological well-being of your children.

Your child can benefit from your guidance, as he/she doesn’t have the wisdom, insight, and clarity to make decisions about spending time with both parents. Try to encourage your child to spend time with their other parent. Kids are sensitive to body language and unkind words, so make sure your tone and words are positive or neutral when discussing your ex-spouse with or in front of your child.

Help Your Child Transition Between Homes

Moving from one house to another can be stressful for a child after their parents’ divorce. At times, a child may balk at the prospect of leaving one home and spending time with their other parent. This doesn’t mean your child loves the other parent any less or wouldn’t ultimately benefit from spending more time with him or her. Instead, the reticence to transition is a natural response of a child who is seeking security.

It’s crucial that you and your ex create a schedule that lessens the likelihood that your child will experience divided loyalties because they may feel like they have to choose sides. When both parents work together to determine schools, activities, social calendars and all the other aspects of the child’s life, it fosters a cohesive daily experience for the child, no matter whose house they are at on a given day.

The key to helping your child feel secure is to help them anticipate the transitions between their two homes. Remind kids ahead of time that they will be spending time at their other home. You can even ask the other parent if they’ve made certain plans for the child, so you can say, “Mommy is planning on taking you to church Sunday” or “Daddy is helping at your school on Thursday.” This helps your child anticipate the change and gives them something to look forward to at their other home. Attempt to show genuine enthusiasm about their visit with their other parent, just as you do when you take a child to kindergarten or when you deliver kids for a week at grandma’s house.

Loyalty Conflicts

Even though children don’t cause their parents’ divorce, kids often feel responsible for their parents’ happiness. In some cases, they might side with one parent against the other parent, which can cause alienation or even estrangement. In What About the Kids? Judith Wallerstein cautions us that a serious problem exists when a child and a parent of either sex joins forces in an alignment against the other parent’s lifestyle, values or identity.

Modeling cooperation and polite behavior sets a positive tone for co-parenting. One of the many ways to avoid alienation is to recognize that your ex is your child’s parent and deserves respect for that reason alone. If your child hears you express doubts about the other parent, it can have a detrimental impact on them emotionally because they will feel that they are in the middle.

4 Ways to Encourage Your Child to Spend Time with Both Parents

  1. Remind your kids a few days before the transition that they will be spending time with their other parent (if they are under the age of ten). This helps them anticipate the change and gives them an opportunity to adapt.
  2. Attempt to set routines for daily life at each home. Try to discuss this with your ex to maintain consistency in both houses if possible for mealtimes, bedtimes, etc.
  3. Plan ahead and help your child pack so they are bringing important possessions with them to the other home.
  4. Don’t bad-mouth your ex. If your child hears you make negative comments about him or her, it can have a detrimental impact on them. Promote a positive bong between your ex and your child. Put your differences with your ex aside and show some interest in what they do together. For example, you could say, “I hope you had fun skating with your dad.”

Finally, be sure to focus on rebuilding your own life and not any negative feelings you have toward your ex-spouse. While you may be still grieving your divorce, keeping your differences with your ex away from your child will open up opportunities for him or her to heal from your divorce.

In the years to come, how do you want your child to remember you? It’s possible to hinder your child’s development by holding onto past grievances toward your ex-partner. By providing loving encouragement or being neutral about the other parent, you can help make adjusting to post-divorce life easier for your children. When children are confident of the love of both of their parents, they have an easier time adjusting to their parents’ divorce.

Story via ~ www.divorcemag.com

Parenting rights for LGBT & how the Family Law Act applies

The Family Law Act (FLA) contemplates a variety of ways that people can be parents.  There was a lot of work put into this part of the FLA and it had a lot of input from the LGBT community.  The goal of the FLA is to contemplate a variety of parenting arrangements and provide for parenting ‘rights’ for all people involved in a child’s life – regardless of how they come to be involved.

Part 3 of the FLA is where to begin when considering who is a parent of a child.  Part 3 provides a wide variety of scenarios where a person can be the parent of a child – whether that child is born through assisted reproduction (during the life and death of either of the donors), through adoption and through surrogacy. The FLA also captures the non-donor partner in a lesbian or gay couple (where one partner has either donated the sperm or the egg) as a parent in the wording of the various definitions of a parent.

Interestingly enough, Part 3 starts at paragraph 20, however parentage as the result of a traditional relationship is not contemplated until paragraph 26!!!  I think this is an interesting reflection on the different realities of parenting  in our society today.

Determining who a parent is under the FLA is very important because only parents are guardians of minor children.  This is important because only guardians of a child can have parenting time with a child and exercise parenting responsibilities with regards to a child.  Section 41 of the FLA details what parenting responsibilities are (this is not an exhaustive list – they never are!).  Parenting responsibilities including making the day to day decisions about where the child lives, who the child lives with, making medical decisions relating to the child, applying for a passport for the child etc.

So, to break it down – in order to have a say in the day to day decisions of the child that you have with your partner (same sex, common law – whatever), you need to be a guardian.  In order to be a guardian, you need to be a parent.  So … the rights of anyone, whether they are in a traditional heterosexual relationship, whether they are in a homosexual relationship or whether they are the surrogate of a baby can all be determined by figuring out first if you qualify as a parent under part 3 of the FLA.  There are no different rights afforded to heterosexual couples under the FLA and the goal of the FLA was to be more inclusive of all parents, regardless of what their relationship with the child’s other parent looked like.

Upon the breakdown of a relationship under the FLA, parental rights are the same regardless of what the relationship looked like.  If you are a parent of a child – you are the guardian of that child and therefore have a right to parenting time and the exercise of parenting responsibilities.  Here’s hoping that this affords everyone who has a relationship breakdown the same protections and rights to continue their relationship with their children.

Paule Seeger B.A. LLB

Co-parenting? Summer break is almost here!

Well everyone, SPRING is here! May long weekend is officially upon us and soon the rattle of school buses down our city streets will come to a halt. Summer vacation is right around the corner & many of us will be taking to the sky and roads for some much needed vacation time! If you and your ex are sharing custody, please make sure that you have your summer parenting time schedule in place and any consents to travel are signed and ready to go. Customs officers are putting heavy importance on making sure that children aren’t entering and leaving the country without the consent of both parents these days. The last thing you would want is your family vacation to be spoiled by such an avoidable circumstance! If you need some advice or have any questions, give us a call 🙂

How social media effects YOU & YOUR case.

Ok everybody listen up!

We all use social media so much today that we forget that it is written documentation.  We send texts indiscriminately, we update our FB pages without considering who is seeing them, we send our boyfriends or girlfriends compromising selfies  and we still seem to believe that all of this is private.  Guess what? It’s really, really isn’t!

I can’t count how many family files I have that have reams of text messages between the two warring parties. Things said in anger or in jest are raised from the dead and entered as evidence of a person’s bad parenting / anger and general bad attitude.  We need to be more cognizant, especially when dealing with an estranged spouse that these texts can AND WILL be used against us.  So think twice before drunk texting – stick to good old fashioned drunk dialing, at least those conversations are still somewhat private.

I have also seen situations where one party swears up and down that little “Johnny” wasn’t driving in their car without a seatbelt / driving on a quad bike that wasn’t age appropriate, or doing other activities that are unsafe – only to then see many pictures pulled from their FB page of little “Johnny” doing exactly that!  Now the client has double trouble – little “Johnny” is obviously engaging in unsafe activities which is bad enough, but now the client is also categorically lying ….

And the proof is there in the photos!!

So the next time the client swears up and down about something, what is the likelihood that he (or she) will be trusted? Slim to none unfortunately.  So save all those photos for your personal use or do a giant upload much, much later when your family law file is a distant memory.

Finally, remember the naughty photo sent in the early stages of a new relationship when we feel loved up and all sexy?  Remember, those photos don’t always end up where they should end up.  The last thing you want is a naughty photo of yourself or your new partner being entered into evidence to attack your credibility in a situation where the relationship possibly started earlier than you want to admit to.

The basic rule is “don’t do something that you wouldn’t want the world knowing about”, but since we are all human and therefore do things we aren’t always proud of – don’t post them, talk about them or send them via social media.

It’s called social because LOTS of people have access to it!!

Paule Seeger, B.A. LLB

Co-parenting & travel time with the kids.

Well everyone, SPRING is officially here! Heck spring break even starts tomorrow too & many of us will be taking to the sky’s and roads for some much needed vacation time! If you and your ex are sharing custody, please make sure that you have your spring/summer parenting time schedule in place and any consents to travel are signed and ready to go. Customs officers are putting heavy importance on making sure that children aren’t entering and leaving the country without the consent of both parents these days. The last thing you would want is your family vacation to be spoiled by such an avoidable circumstance!

Paule Seeger B.A. LLB